if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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