don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
