we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
