hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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