Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Vodka?
Forever.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
