Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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