listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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