I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
