My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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