I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
