I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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