he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I will pee on everything he values.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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