I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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