I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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