bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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