i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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