the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I intend to get homeless drunk
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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