all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize