but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
