if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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