I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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