I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
