hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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