Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
