Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
