How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
