If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Where is the hickey?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
