Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
