Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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