I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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