I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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