The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
