i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
