i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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