Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
