We're like a lot better than the average bears
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
