You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
