Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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