Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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