I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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