I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
