Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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