I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
