Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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