Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
