i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
