Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
