i'm signing you up for texting rehab
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
