Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
