SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
