U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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