You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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