her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
