Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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