Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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