About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
