just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Semen is not good for contacts.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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