i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im six kinds of drunk right now
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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